Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   enjoys looking at your slutty Saturday night bar photos. Get closer, Ladies. Kiss kiss. Cliche cliche. lol

   I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

   I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

   I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

   The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

   Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

   Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

   I think Pringles originally intended to make tennis balls

   "Old people need to urinate all the time... That's why they call it the golden years"

   God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers. Happy mothers day!

   Have you ever dreamed you were peeing and thought to yourself in the dream, "Why is this taking so long to stop peeing?" Only to wake up and find your bed sop'n wet?...Me either