Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not drunk... I'm just tired from drinking all day!

   World Cup Finals... Its Heineken vs. Sangria. screw it, lets get drunk!

   Just saw a girl in a regular wheelchair holding onto her boyfriend's motorized wheelchair. Dude, she's totally using you!!

   The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   I can think of 6 reasons why I should sleep with this guy and I can count those reasons on his stomach.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   The girl is mine, Life's a b*tch so the whole world is mine.

   Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?

   If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   Death, bring back Kurt Cobain,Freddy Mercury,Bob marley,Jerry garcia,Jim Morrison (Doors),Jimmy Hendrix, John Lennon,Bradley Nowell,Shannon Hoon,Janis Joplin,Paul Gray(Slipknot),Tupac, BIggie Smalls,Big Pun, Eazy E. Take any1 from Pop radio in exchange

   annoying heat; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.