Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

   please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it's a round granola bar.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

   [dinner date] Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird. Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date.

   You know you're a VW bus owner if you are serious about your, "Honk if Anything Falls Off" bumper sticker and know how it prevents Tailgators.

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

   how.... how do you get sold out... of having no mayo????

   When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?

   Shouldn't women have a girlnecologist?

   I wish my navigation system was a little more zen-like and instead of saying things like "Your destination is in 300 ft" it would say "Your destination is in 300 ft but remember, it's not about the destination, it's the journey that counted!"

   Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

   Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

   The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.

   If youre going to give your kid a name like hes an 80s action hero, then make sure he goes outside every once and a while. Cause "Maverick" looks like the only exercise he gets it walking to the fridge and back to the Playstation.

   Donald Trump to Queen Elizabeth: "You did a great job on Bohemian Rhapsody! Great song."