Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari. 
Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.
Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.
You know your a Volkswagen bus owner when you know how that your "Honk if Any Parts Fall Off" sticker also prevents tailgators.
You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"
You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section.
Reasons to not eat cookies: - there are no cookies - you're trapped under something heavy and can't reach the cookies. End of list
The line to get beer at this party is horrible, but it's even worse at the punchline!
Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.
The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room
I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.
YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry
I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.
(First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*
dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time 