Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made something interesting out of myself

   its official, I'm old. I sat down to use the bathroom this morning and teabaged the toilet water!!

   wondering why brain cells die, skin cells die, your hair follicle die, but fat cells live FOREVER?

   According to some magazine, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

   Has come to the conclusion that fruit-loops are just gay cheerios. =)

   wished mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   hates when I wake up late for work and get ready in a hurry, then you realize its your day off. : (

   Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".

   Meanwhile, at the BP command center ... *cricket* *Cricket*

   She said no booty calls. Well this calls for some head!

   as confused as a hungry infant in a topless bar.

   sending more mixed signals than a dyslexic, third-base coach.

   just got barred from Bunnings. This arrogant prick in a red apron in the timber aisle just asked me if I wanted decking. Lucky I got the first punch in!

   loves a man in uniform, unless he's in my rearview mirror.

   If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me.

   if someone sends me one more Farmville invite, I will banish your animals to a galaxy far, far away and set fire to your crops.

   How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   contemplating becoming schizophrenic, but is in two minds about it.

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   kinda likes ceilings. Maybe I'll become a fan.