Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never thought I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.

   hated my many. Confronted my none!

   When I grow up I'd like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."

   you ever notice that when the bad guy is shooting at Superman, he stands there and lets the bullets bounce of his chest but when they throw the gun, he ducks?

   can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind.

   just wondering if there's ever been a "hook-up" on "Wife Swap" that ABC just couldn't air! LOL! Wouldn't that be HILARIOUS?!!!=)

   Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then going home to sit on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV.

   likes For ALL You PeOpLe to STOP liking every little THANG on Facebook! on ♥.

   Booty texts are much better than booty calls. You can send several out at a time and increase your chances!

   How did the blond get lipstick on her steering wheel? She tried to blow the horn.

   This is a test of the Facebook Status Message System. The user of this status has developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this was an actual emergency, I sure as hell wouldn't still be here but running around screamin

   So excited..I just won "the lottery"!! Ouch!! Wait a second, why is everybody in town throwing stones at me?

   Love is just a misunderstanding between two fools

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

   Very opposed to the Ground Zero Mosque but only cuz I think we need a Ground Zero Chick-Fil-A first.

   File: Save as, Porn 1 'File name already exists' - Porn 2 'File name already exists' - Porn 3 'File name already exists' fuljaek';*+atxre£ 'File saved'

   My wife treats me like a god... She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

   BP has released a statement saying most Gulf residents are not upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy.That's like Al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.

   I've just been fired from my job working on the Pakistani Flood's Crisis Hotline. Apparently telling callers to relax and "go with the flow" was not appropriate.

   Wife called, she said, "2 packages arrived today. The 1st was your PS3 and the 2nd is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours." I said, "You'll be f*cking lucky, I only ordered 1 controller.