Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks laughter is the second best medicine. The best medicine is medicine.

   thinks Diarrhea would be a beautiful name, if it didn't mean diarrhea.

   Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.

   Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their mom's bad driving.

   believes the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse is the ground.

   thinks its cool for a guy to have sex with his female teacher. Unless he's home schooled.

   if you take more than 2 minutes to repond in our chat, I shall assume I'm not high on your chat priority list and X out.

   There are three types of people in this world: Those that get math and those that don't.

   Bruno mars is catching grenades and Taio Cruz is using dynamite, well it's obvious they've been playing COD..#blackops

   Like if you dont think ..3x-7y+(1/2)b.. really gonna help you in life?

   Ever wonder why the ceilings of churches are so high? To make one feel less invaluable and intimidated...

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia makes us winners.

   thinks the best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there...with a funnier status.

   wants to thank Starbucks CEOs for now offering severely addicted customers, like myself, a bathtub-sized cup. Awesome!

   wonders how many times he should ignore his girlfriend telling him she put her tampon in the wrong hole?

   doesn't get drunk - I get awesome!

   took the red pill and woke up broke in Vegas. Thanks Morpheus.

   Apparently, saying "grande" in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

   opportunity always involves some risk..but didnt expect it to robb me..