Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac... you're welcome.

   Just got an extra quarter while getting my change from the soda machine. THUG LIFE.

   You know breast feeding a baby turtle is not as easy as they make it out to be!

   MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

   just headbutted his cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

   hopes the walls stops moving before his manager notices he's drunk

   would say something smart but you wouldnt understand...

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!

   I just went downstairs and my roommate is watching American Idol. I am not saying the show is bad or anything, but sometimes I think it would be fun to be in the audience with a toilet plunger and a crossbow.

   Next person who says "I hate the heat and humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   Happiness is only a beautiful woman and a riding crop away.

   twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar.

   did I really just see a guy on a bicycle carrying a 30 rack of Busch?

   you can tell more about a person's true character after they gain some random wealth

   Just because she weighed as much as TWO women...doesn't mean you had a threesome

   hanging out with charlie sheen, no explanation needed.

   spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life.

   I think an aptitude test, ensuring the ability to change out the finished roll of toilet paper to a new role, should be required before you are allowed to breed....

   Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

   "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery."