Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why do people keep asking dogs "whos a good boy then". My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing.

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean one of them enjoys it?

   "The hardest part of the business is minding your own."

   just seen two homeless people kissing so I screamed "Get a box!!"

   I'm amazed at how many people got engaged or married today. Love is truly in the air. Now if you'll excuse me, a Nigerian prince needs my help transferring funds.

   if you wanna be old and wise, you gotta be young and stupid..

   This Weekend Me And Some Friends Doing A Reenactment Of The Movie "Hang Over"

   My April Fools' Day prank at airport security did not go well. You may not see me Monday.

   This bumber sticker says JESUS SAVES " HE MUST SHOP AT WALMART"

   One of the hardest things in life to learn, is which bridge to cross and which to burn.!!!

   I was singing Rihanna's new song last night when my wife was in the room.... Lesson learned... Sticks and stones might not hurt.... But whips and chains do...

   If my statuses offend you, please let me know so I can remedy the problem....by deleting you.

   I think the saddest April Fools' joke is thinking there's only one day we devote to lying to each other.

   thinking of deleting her friends on facebook that get 300,000 or higher on Bejeweled Blitz.. that way I can finally be #1!

   After a long first game the Cubs seem to have been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, Congrats to Ryan Dumpster, 6 runs in 6 innings not a bad start..

   Guns don't kill people , My cousin does!!!

   I've been voted Most Likely.

   I heard they found the deadly Egyptian cobra that was missing from the Bronx Zoo.....It was in Lindsay Lohan's purse!

   Neighbor not a radioactive zombie. Btw, completely unrelated, but any ideas for an "I'm sorry" gift for someone in hospital.......

   when girls get there period,they should change there relationship status to"Out of Order"