Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it takes no muscles to be completely expressionless all the time.

   If you use the word "Humorous" when you could say "Funny," you're just outing yourself as a douchebag.

   .it's almost time for my OBGYN appointment and I haven't even bought a doctor's coat or faked my credentials yet.

   There's always a ho or a rumour that ruins every relationship

   In my books, The Higher the Heels.. The Higher her Standards.

   Nothing brings 2 people together faster than the hatred of a 3rd person

   You can't be rocking the same pair of jeans for 3 straight days and claim you got SAWG.

   hopes that all of you are practicing your "Oh my God, I LOVE it!" face? We're getting closer...

   It's up to you to find the beauty in the ugliest day.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: HARASSMENT. Usage: “My wife caught me sleeping with another woman and I said don't worry honey, harassment nothing to me.”

   still grounded for being awesome

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "It's Never Going To Happen"

   I'm too sexy for my ex.

   I didn't even know Kim Jung was Il.

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person alive for Christmas and I woke up in a box. I guess I should have been more specific.

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?

   Grocery stores need a "1 case of beer" check out line.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   I hate when I read this post and and don't realize the word ''and'' was said twice.

   I am at my most evil and manipulative when I think there is a chance I can get you to buy me a hot air balloon.