Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house …without stopping.

   The average Apple employee works 6 hours a day longer than an Apple battery.

   Anyone going early Black Friday shopping after the elections?

   Maybe snow kills COVID. You don’t know!

   To help curve the Coronavirus I've only hung out with three of my Facebook friends all year, just like last year.

   Fauci spent 50 years of his life studying viruses, just so he could trick rednecks into wearing paper masks. That was his career goal all along. Don't believe anything else.

   If I don't get my way, I'm going in with my lawyers...wahhhhhh!!!! I'm such a great role model.

   Those who want the minimum wage set to $15 an hour; calling it a living wage are clueless. How about a living education? If you're 30 and making fries for a living, don't expect me to subsidize your poor life choices.

   Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?

   Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.

   72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

   opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

   My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

   A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   The vaccine shot was promised to be ready today. Where can I go to get the shot?

   The election is rigged...unless I win

   What a great Halloween. Thanks for giving us the night off Covid!