Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im not saying dont trust the internet, I'm just saying that there is a huge discrepancy in the number of Ipads I won verse the number of Ipads I actually own

   I ain't talking about Floyd when I say I love May weather.

   Not sure if my bed is calling me or if its the girl I left handcuffed all day

   women stay in shape so they can be trophy wife milfs

   Frnd : did you watch Barcelona v/s Bayern... ME : No.. I don't like to watch p orn !!!

   What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

   I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."

   I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...

   I don't need a therapist. I already have a bartender.

   Well it appears coming soon to a store near you...The Morning After Pill. Marketed in fun filled colors and your favorite cartoon characters. You can choose from flintstone, gummy bear, buggs bunny, or any of your favorite Disney characters...

   You know.. I would call you a tool, but even THEY have a purpose.

   Tim Tebow: "I'm a Christian" Me: "I don't care" Jason Collins: "I'm gay" Me: "I don't care"

   how about no humans were harmed in the making of this film?

   I came out of the closet while getting dressed this morning, yet, no news story....

   going for my annual physical today. Its the only time a year I dont like a finger in my a$$

   I love being envied and hated! Because no one envies the ugly and nobody hates the weak!

   women stay in shape to live long, healthy lives. Men stay in shape to have sex with hotter women...

   Who remembers when big ol' gigantic ol' Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet? Okay it was a storage unit but.....

   ladies it's hard for us to read your thoughts if you already vocalize each and every last one of them

   In a new study women with large asses live longer.........the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives