Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and any single woman who owns more than 2 cats.

   Girls named Alice stopped being made 35 years ago.

   Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!

   If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.

   Ladies, if what you did to him cannot be fixed with a blow job then I suggest you better start looking for a new boyfriend.

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   Babe I'm Pregnant" Guys be like: ♕ KEEP CALM I'll HELP YOU FIND THE FATHER

   Hardware Sign: You can always find something in here to take home and screw or bang..

   Next time you see a harmless bug, let it live. I have this crazy belief that living things should stay alive.

   The way your kid acts in public is a reflection of you as a parent.

   I respect rattlesnakes. At least they have the decency to warn you before they murder you.

   Growing up is basically moving yourself from a state of blissful ignorance to one of agonizing awareness.

   Opposites attract. Then they get divorced.

   The sins of some are the pleasures of others.

   Reverse cowgirl or as I like to call it: Damn woman, you forgot to wipe!

   do FB users in Australia have Mates??

   Marriage is like prison except the food is better and your cellmate never changes.

   Give me freedom or give me marriage.

   I've been sleeping at my desk for the past two weeks. ...I can feel a promotion coming my way.