Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Objects in rear feel bigger than they appear

   Need an Ark?, I Noah Guy. 

   Just tried to change my password to 'Twilight,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there's too many useless characters.

   I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   I did not pass my gun safety class, so I can only carry at night.

   Lysdexicia at meeting 8pm sharp today.

   I saw this guy using a flip cell phone, just like the one Lincoln used

   To the virgin bellow; Maybe its those crocs you wear.

   Newton's 3rd Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction

   I really dont understand why I’m still a virgin when I have never watched any Twilight Movie or bought any Justin Bieber Album in my whole life.

   When I'm in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?

   My cat just accidentally walked on my laptop keyboard and got me an online degree in the process.

   Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.

   Can God start making Vegetarians green in color so they don’t have to keep telling everyone they eat plants.

   Studies conclude that labs cause cancer in rats.

   I used to think a sex change is what a hooker gives you back when you pay using a 100 dollar bill.

   Nothing like watching a Nicholas Cage movie to remind you that your life could be worse, you could be Nicholas Cage.

   Just seen an ass so big, it probably has its own heart.

   I don’t understand what this pen was doing in my pocket but it looks like it enjoyed itself, it even came.