Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.

   People who still have their popcorn when movies starts: your self-control disgusts me and I'll never party with you jerks.

   VODKA: the boredom killer.

   We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.

   "It's okay." - Women, right before they spend 5hrs telling you why it isn't ok.

   The bags under my eyes are Prada.

   Trending right now on Yahoo - 1. Kate Upton 2. Gisele Bundchen 3. Vanessa Hudgens 4. Wrist Injuries

   Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.

   One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

   So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....

   People, sharing some company's photo to "win" something is a scam. Just like nigerian lotteries, social security and obamacare...

   Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Stop the violence. Eat Bacon!

   Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "WTF are you doing?"

   I love rude waiters/waitresses...I don't have to be GUILTY for not tipping them. I only had money for the food anyway

   Don't choose someone if they have to think twice about choosing you.

   My wife calls me The Margarita because after a long day, I can hit the spot!

   Apparently, only God can whack Tony Soprano.

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead

   Rip: Slim Whitman

   I wish karma would send me email notifications.