Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   Golf - Because even douchebags need fresh air too.

   Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

   I find it funny. If you find it offensive, that’s why I’m happier than you.

   how would you like your steak sir? we've got rare, ultra rare, legendary, fossil, or you can try and catch your own steak in the safari zone

   There's nothing worse than finding out someone you hate has the same taste in music as you.

   Karen on Facebook says… "It's sooo hot! Not sure I'll survive the day!" It's only summer, Karen. It's not like you just landed on Mercury.

   I just listened to the song "She'll be coming around the Mountain" and you know what, if "She'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably more woman than most of us can handle

   Went out and mercifully shot my tomato plants this morning. It was the right thing to do. They were so sick and the government wouldn't help me because I am not legally a farmer....the one died right away, but the second took two bullets.

   It is depressing to pull the tag off of your boxer shorts and a parachute opens.

   If dialysis saved your life, you may be able to sue someone for money!!

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic.

   I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.

   If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.

   FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   There is a fine wine between being good and being naughty.

   Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

   I am totally convinced that my place of employment is just a fancy name for Purgatory

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of weed. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   At the rate brothers are marrying white girls, the sisters will be extinct in about 50 years...