Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sir your phone's ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."

   I have seen your ex so don't act like I am not an upgrade.

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

   Don't expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.

   Never fake your own death to get out of a relationship with a necropheliac.

   New Rule: If it fits in a handbag it's not a dog

   You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks'

   My girlfriend was upset that she's still not pregnant but I told her to hang in there & keep swallowing & sooner or later it’s gonna happen.

   I just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately I'm only attracted to women.

   I'm a big fan of anyone who doesn't find me annoying.

   Thought someone was following me around all day but it was just the sound of my thighs rubbing together.

   Normal is overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

   Nothing says MISTAKEN quite like following me on Twitter and expecting me to tweet bible verses or inspirational tweets.

   I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers

   Parrot kept me up til three in the morning. He had a case of the hiccups. Finally figured out he was just imitating my hiccups from earlier.

   Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.

   Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.

   Pretty sure my dog would make a horrible astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare her

   For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I'm on a 'secure line'