Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My d*ck was in the Guinness Book of World Records but then the librarian told me to take it out

   Only thing Obama tried to fix today was the 2014 elections.....

   I just sneezed hard while taking a poop.....I think I just lost my colon

   I miss the good ole days when all the children were kept in factories.

   So, the gov't is going to let us keep something we already bought? Mighty white of them...

   ...Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!

   Shorter Obama: "if you go dumpster diving behind your insurance company and you find your old plan and they say you can keep it. Period!!

   I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...

   Whitey Bulger is living proof that the American Dream is still alive!!

   I burn 95% of my calories removing gray and unwanted hairs from my head, face, ears and nose and the other 5% flipping people off while I'm driving......

   Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal are living proof that talent is not that important to make it in Hollywood.

   Crime doesn't pay folks ...Oh! wait Whitey Bulger lives like Scarface his young life & Now he gets to stay in a nursing home completely free? Prison ...nursing home..>> same thing !

   If the NFL is so smart, why haven't they created a cable channel of just NFL cheerleaders dancing and jumping around?

   You can’t ignore the facts; if you’ve posted more than 4 selfies in the last month, you are a narcissist.

   I think Commercials on Pandora & Youtube are the Devil.

   Drinking Red Bull cured me, Conclusion; my cells allowed bacteria and viruses inside to kill them for sport.

   Its so cold I had to rub two ice cubes together to start a fire

   A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

   Dear Santa... In reguards to my wish list last year, I wrote to you asking, "sex, for a change" Not "for a sex change"... Please fix this

   If life taught me anything, it's that Mikey will eat anything...