Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it spelled Beiber or Bieber? I want this death threat to sound legit.

   I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

   I bet Canadian cops play good cop better cop.

   No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over her face.

   I can't wait for Tupac's next album

   My daughter just said when she grows up she wants to marry someone just like me. Now I can't stop crying.

   Men and women are twice as likely to confess their problems to Facebok than other individuals.

   I liked Carrie Underwood better when she made that deviled ham.

   Last night I kicked off my shoes, stripped down to my boxers and laid on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn. Enjoying the experience of the new home theater system. Apparently the Best Buy salesman wanted me to take it home and try it first.

   Dear Santa, Please get Apple to replace Siri with Channing Tatum

   I make my coffee so strong it wakes the neighbors up....

   Some of these girls are getting big headed over the hundreds of likes they are getting on their FB pics from all the thirsty and unemployed guys out there. I know they are unemployed because working men are too busy at their jobs to be stalking anyone.

   Thanksgiving is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Farts are a poop's way of texting, "On my way."

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.

   Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.

   So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?

   Lemonade or orange juice? I'm asking the vodka.

   I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.

   I may not regularly keep in touch with my friends and loved ones, but I always keep an eye on my enemies.