Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feeling ugly? Go chill in Walmart for 2 hours. You'll feel a lot better.

   Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I've never heard of.

   Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?

   That One Direction tour bus must be a living hell when they get their periods at the same time.

   Oven mitts and rubber gloves are thegloves that females wear in their respectedsports

   Christie blocks a bridge in New Jersey... The Super Bowl is in New Jersey... A nation wide velveeta shortage for the Super Bowl.... GOVERNMET CONSPIRACIES ARE REAL!

   Did you ever notice how everything in life just keeps shrinking? Even in the Hip-Hop world. It used to be 'Biggie Smalls, Big Pun, Fat Joe. Then it was lil jon, lil kim, liil wayne. 15yrs from now its gonig to be, 1PAC, BalemicBob, AtomMike, SpermSpewed!

   People, I'm late for everything!!! I would make the worst period.

   "Didn't realize their was alot of great looking women around here!" - Me hanging out at traffic school1

   Seems like Lakers are doing so bad, that they missing their flu shots too!

   Well the pilots of Southwest Airlines claiming Gov Christ Christie close the Rnuway, so they aint no where to go!

   Tonight on ABC World Wide: Police raid Biebers house, find whole slew of drugs, but no talent...

   Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   No, no....when I Poked you on facebook, it wasn't a friendly tap on the shoulder. It was thinly veiled suggestion for my wanting to f**k your brains out.

   So I informed the flight attendant that I was looking to join the Mile High Club and she said she didn't give a flying f**k.

   Just returned all of my liquor bottles and now I’m deciding between a vacation in Hawaii or the French Riviera

   White girls, show your parents how much you hate them by growing dreadlocks.

   I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"

   If you are babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.