Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read that Kanye West is furious at "Vogue" for putting Lena Dunham on the cover instead of Kim Kardashian. Also making Kanye West furious? Umbrellas, garden gnomes, unicorns, public parks, extension cords, pita bread, Diet Coke..

   Pam Oliver looks like Oprah.

   I had a blind girlfriend. Her name was ::.::..:..:::. .::.:...:::.: .

   So Pete saw his shadow today...that means 6 more feet of winter right???

   Missed it by that much. I had Phillip Michael Thomas in the celebrity deadpool...

   Sorry,Philip Seymour Hoffman, hard to say RIP to someone who was so talented,directing 2 films, employing several people, having the world by the tail and to end up being found in a hotel with a needle in his arm.

   GO SEAHAWKS!

   To my beautiful friends in Denver. You have London by your side today. Go Broncos!

   Snow in the south is rare alright... But not as rare as a BCS Championship in the north.

   GO BRONCOS!!!!!!

   I'm going to be nice in describing the woman eHarmony matched me up with. Since it occupies the area in front of the head, it must be a face.

   It's so cold in Manhattan even Iggy is freezing.

   You know it's just a matter of time before Corporations pay to put product placement in the NFL games.... Peyton makes an audible "Omaha... Steaks, Heinz 57, Century 21, Pizza Hut Hut."

   Craigslist--the site where I can find anything, until I actually want to buy something....

   We all have that one friend we used to do all sorts of crazy stuff with but they suddenly flipped the script and became a born again Christian and now feel awkward hanging out with them because we don’t know what to talk about.

   I hope both teams lose.

   I'd rather have six more weeks of winter than six more weeks of Obama.

   Guys who say, "We're only dating her and not yet married so why should I pay her bills" need to be reminded that sex is a 'marriage privilege'

   After 7 kids I got a vasectomy... Happy Valentines day darling you don't have to get that hysterectomy

   Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.