Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer? 
forget Mardi Gras....for me every Tuesday is a fat Tuesday
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
So I am making a bean/corn salad/salsa recipe and it askes for ground cummin. I'm like... uh, eww and then I'm like well I have it and it's free but exactly how do you grind it?
Hey CHOP, try spelling lessons for lent. . .
I've been trying and trying yet so far no luck. I can't seem to get MapQuest to pull up a shortcut to Friday.
I look at people sometimes and think, "for real? That's the sperm that won??
Ladies, if your man compliments you on your new hairdo. You've a girlfriend.
It appears Vladimir Putin has shoved the "reset" button up Hillary's Ukraine.
On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.
On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober."
Hey Kanye, We might get another Kim Kardashian after Oscar Pistorius's trial.
Mardi Gras reminds me how much inflation changes things. Beads used to buy you the island of Manhattan, now you only get two coconuts
some of you people are taking the term Fat Tuesday way too seriously
Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Even death can't get you out of the friend zone... she'll be at your funeral like "he was like a brother to me"
Cold beer is always a good idea.
When Life gives you lemons, consider purchasing a different cereal.
Native American strippers have an unfair advantage. They can make it rain every time they dance. 