Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If they've seen you dance in public and still hangout with you then consider them good friends.

   There's something about the way you could ruin my entire life that makes me want you. - WOMEN

   What? No toilet paper. Well, goodbye socks.

   I think you know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.

   Failure is not an option. It's standard equipment.

   10 yr old suspended from school for pointing finger like a gun. Where will this end? If fingers are outlawed, only 10 yr olds will have fingers.

   My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today

   Just broke up a fight between my wife and a car seat.

   Hey Social media newbies, remember if you try really hard and excel at this, in a couple years, you too can turn it into a source of no income.

   Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it's the stupid people who need it?

   Bacon n Eggs walk into a bar, bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve breakfast here...

   DunkinHackin (v):The act of choking on the powdery goodness of a powdered Dunkin Donut

   A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.

   Kanye West they should have vacuum sealed you, you would have lasted longer

   If the condom don't fit you must acquit - Darren Sharpers Defense

   Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it!

   Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.

   Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for Lint