Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?

   I know what you did this upcoming summer...................................... *NSA

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had

   seriously bothered, one of my socks just keeps sinking into my shoe like it’s ashamed of being seen with me in public.

   According to my calculations, 2025 is going to be the best year ever - I will finally run out of Conditioner the same time as the Shampoo, It's the little things in life I tell ya!

   Here's hoping the wind at your back doesn't come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   Oh GOODIE,,,, Please post some more pics of your dog...and your food. Oh, why stop there? Post some pics of your dogs food.

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   IKEA is Swedish for "If you tell me it's not level again, I'm going to smash your head with this hammer,,,, Well then, JUST DIVORCE ME SUSAN"

   I lost my virginity when I was 9 while attempting an over-ambitious Pogo Stick trick.

   My signature move is to slightly caress my wife for 4 months until one day she sighs deeply then seductively calls out "fine, just hurry up"

   Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him... So cute!

   Pro tip - I'm not convinced any of you are qualified to give pro tips.

   Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?

   Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?

   Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   I saw on the news that Flavor Flav is 56 years old today, and had two immediate thoughts: 1. How the F$%^ did Flav manage to take care of himself for 56 years? 2. F$%^, I'm old.

   whats the difference between a plane & in-laws? the whole world is worried about a plane when it's missing

   You can get away with anything at Costco if you wear a hairnet