Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never delete messages just incase someone try to play me and say I'm ugly. You wasn't saying that March 12,2010 at 4:35pm.hahahahahaa

   Los Angeles area McDonald's spared no expense promoting Shamrock Shakes yesterday.

   A lost and found but for airplanes.

   Lock Chris Brown up till he's pregnant!!

   Coffee: Creative fuel!!

   Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth

   Sweet! McDonalds must be still celebrating St. Patricks day today by dyeing there hamburger meat green! Oh wait....

   Please Spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.!

   How great would it be if Justin Bieber and all of the Kardashians started flying on Malaysian Airlines?

   To me, the Poke feature is a litmus test to weed out the easy going girls from the uptight Medusa types.

   PRO TIP; Become good friends with her mom. Trust me the benefits are too many to list here.

   What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

   Can’t believe I grew up for this.

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant. But, they don't .

   My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn't totally destroy my phone

   Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you're not hanging out with enough people.

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant.

   Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   I only laugh halfway to the bank. That's when I remember I don't have an account. Then I cry all the way to the bar.