Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Truthful tuesday: When I see something funny on the feed here, I don’t usually laugh.. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.

   Sorry, I can't make it,,, months are just a really busy time of year for me

   Donald Sterling is like 80 so banned for life is really like banned for 5 years……..

   Studies have shown there is a direct correlation between a woman's insecurity and the amount of selfies she posts each day.

   ....Yay ... I am so jazzed .... My new 56k modem has finally arrived ....

   Adam Siliver = H.N.I.C.

   Adam silver just passed Lebron James and Kevin Durant in the MVP race

   147.Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   I’m on that ”I don’t give a F ...K diet.” I’ve lost 10 a holes already.

   I know inside me there's a skinny person wanting to get out. What bothers me is that it's the entire cast of America's Next Top Model in here.

   My buddy only has one ball so when he sexts his GF he uses 4===D.

   I'll have plenty of time to be tolerant when I'm dead.

   Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.

   Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he’s gonna get to wear it.

   I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

   Boss: So, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty Boss: I don't think that's a weakness Me: I don't really care what you think.

   Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.

   I'm not always productive as I could be... My brain has too many tabs open.