Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Hillary is elected President, at least we only have to pay her 300K...

   Yes. Is time travel possible?

   I'm mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

   I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

   Here's a list of people who have time for that - 1) Nobdy

   I think the book "Charlottes Web" would've been a better book if Charlotte was evil and out to get Wilber. Instead of writing "some pig" she should've wrote "Links or Patties". And yelled "Ill get you pig!" As she crawled away

   Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.

   sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

   I was holding my girlfriend's hair as she was puking and she farted at the same time. We broke up because I couldn't stop laughing.

   To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that

   This status is brought to you by the makers of Fug detergent. If Duz won't do it and Rinso won't rinse it, Fug it.

   Hi. You haven't seen me much lately. I have a new boyfriend. The one from before who I caught with another girl. But I took him back. So there, h8ers!

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   How psychiatrists can't be a serial killer when they describe them so well?!

   A blind man walked into a bar. And into a chair...and into a table...and into a wall...

   Saw a guy in a trucker hat, with a handle bar moustache, wearing a bowtie, carrying a stack of records with an iguana on his shoulder walking down the street. Didn't think it was possible to OD on hipster

   When people call me smart, I'm just thankful they're not around to see me turn the wrong burner on the stove every-single-time!!

   The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   I can't stand the fact that people are so obsessed with this movie Frozen! They need to "Let it go...let it gooooo.

   If woman ruled the world there would be no wars.....just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.