Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.

   My wife isn't a Buffalo Bills fan... but she sure loves choking if ya know what I mean ;)

   Oprah wants to buy the LA Clippers? The only dribbling she knows are the ones she gets on the corner of her mouth when she sees red velvet cheesecake.

   Still don't understand why you can't end a company-wide email with, 'Later b*tches.'

   Now, I’m no expert on crack heads, but shouldn’t Rob Ford only have one chin?

   If I had a time machine rest assured I would do what's right: I would make sure the video for Buffalo Stance by Nenah Cherry never happened.

   Daughter: Mama, can a girl get pregnant from @n@l s3x? Mother: Why sure, Honey. Where do you think lawyers come from?

   Whenever I think I've come up with something very twisted, and I'm a horrible person for it, I simply remember that some nut in South America named the largest body of water there Lake Titicaca.

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found

   The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.

   Jameis Winston did NOT steal those crab legs intentionally. He is so into football, that he felt sorry for the shellfish, and merely thought he would do the right thing by putting them on injured reserve.

   When I see a fender bender in traffic, I like to run over and cover myself with a bloody sheet and lay beside the road just to give the passing traiffic a show.

   To this day, the girl who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, she makes great Subway sandwiches

   Pro death penalty - If you don't value other people's lives, why the hell should they value yours?

   "It was consensual, the crab legs wanted to be stolen"~~Jamies Winston's attorney...

   I'm really sorry that I haven't been around for the past few days. I've been out collecting money to buy a basketball team. So far, I've got $47.62 in checks, $2.50 in change, an IOU for $5, a Canadian penny and a button. I'm getting really excited

   Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.

   Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!

   I think I'm going to change my kids' middle names to "DANGER" just so they can tell people Danger is their middle name...YEAH BABY!!