Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?

   How to tell if your wife/girlfriend will overreact: Is she a girl?

   Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!

   Wife: Silent Me: What's wrong? Wife: Nothing Me: Grabs shield and sword

   A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

   If your face doesn't look like a glazed donut ..your doing it wrong.

   Keyboard worshippers are at it again this sunday morning.

   I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.

   what do you call a nun with alzheimers?? a roamin catholic.

   Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports

   If the Lord is always with me, that dude's sat through a lot of jacking off.

   For the first time in NBA finals history, there was 3 game 7s. Even more fascinating is that Donald Sterling cant attend any of them!

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

   I must not be real stupid, television has not made me famous yet!

   Please spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going on a business trip to China on that Malaysian Airlines Flight No MH. 370, and now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment. (Ever)

   My drivers license is just a piece of paper that says I'm not Asian

   Sex so good, you call off the restraining order.

   Rodney King said, "Can we all get along? The answer is no because too many people make a very good living making sure we don't....right, Reverend Al?

   Sometimes when I see an airplane passing over I just wish I were on it and didn't care where it was going.

   How I hate people who initiate a conversation and don’t continue with it.