Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   Dating tip: gently but quickly place her in the trunk before she asks any questions like, who are you?

   Jay-Z Officially has 100 Problems

   If You Like Piña Colada's, and getting songs stuck in your head...

   Good moaning to you all!! (that is not a typo)

   I have a date tomorrow night so I need to think about baby names.

   I put the pro in inappropriate.

   I was once a child prodigy, now i'm an adult tragedy.

   You're as confusing as Daniel Tosh's sexuality.

   Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.

   Anyone know what position Michael Sam will be playing for the Rams? Tight End or Wide Reciever ??

   I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.

   it's a little ironic when a gay guy gets drafted to the Rams....im sure he does a lot of ramming

   I still have a hard time believing that Land Down Under by Men At Work isn't Australia's national anthem.

   FYI: Push-up bras don't actually help you do more push-ups :(

   Pick up artist getting bullied: stop hitting on yourself. Stop hitting on yourself

   I think sometime over the weekend,, I turned the food pyramid upside down and served chips out of it

   Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people’s phones.

   Finally!! Mankind gets a message from Mars... *The President reads it to all humanity YOUR FRIGGING ROBOT IS DOING DONUTS ON MY LAWN

   I won the spelling bee in second grade due to a technicalaty.