Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some couples experience a deep, unconditional love that transcends words and exists as happiness in its purest form. I have that with vodka.

   Someone at work asked why Batman wasn't in The Avengers movie, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(

   Blacking out is the ultimate in relaxation.

   The great thing about hanging up on someone is you can no longer hear them talking.

   At what age does stupidity wear off?

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool.

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses

   Another rapper was arrested with Justin Bieber. In related news, rappers are getting way less cool

   Omg look at my baby scans, they are so original and definitely don't look exactly the same as every other baby in the world.

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   Oh Lawd, this woman in Wal Mart has a box of tampns and bottle of Midol in her.....Please everyone stay out of her way!

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster...

   True Story: Justin Bieber got his 1st tattoo at the age of sixteen. It was a Butterfly on his lower back just above the bikini line.

   beer I'm fine...wine I'm blind!

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   A woman spits out 30,000 words a night, gets mad that you don't remember words 21,191 - 21,198.

   Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can't believe they haven't paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.

   If your manhood has become a bit green, floppy and scaly. you could be suffering from a reptile dysfunction.