Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just broken down and listened to a song by Justin Beiber. I've got the phone on vibrate for the rest of the day since I just stabbed both ears repeatedly with a ball point pen.

   Looking for the six-fingered man!

   Drama Queens/Kings, Hypocrites, two-faced, exaggerators and fake people can all be found on Facebook!!!

   don't look at me in that tone of voice

   did you cheat? ... No I opened the book.

   Says: He may wear the pants.. But I CONTROL The Zipper!! hehehe!

   you can get whatever you want in this life if you have self confidence,determination...and an AK-47 wz unlimited ammo..

   Why does my bf have to lift up his leg everytime he's about to fart!?

   I cut myself shaving this morning. Now I'm walking with a limp.

   going to get a tattoo that says "Live Without Regrets", and have it spelled wrong.

   given up trying to understand the Indian project manager. If I try it causes migraines.

   U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

   Kids buy breakfast cerial the same way men buy lingerie for thier wives. They buy something they care nothing about just so they can get at the prize that's inside.

   BEER - Helping white men dance since 1881.

   Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words

   See if you can say "Irish Wristwatch"

   Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up and unplugged the computer.

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?

   I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.