Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone needs me I'll be setting up a sniper pearch in Punxsutawney, Pa. This year that fat little groundhog will not make it back to the hole.

   so poor that he cant even pay attention

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   You will never get sleep with a redhead because they are soulless gingers and will steal you away when you sleep

   humans......the only creatures who would actually invent a bunch of machines that throw you around, call it an amusement park, and we actually wait in long lines and PAY to do it!

   "GATES PLEDGES $10 BILLION FOR VACCINES." Hope it's to fight viruses in windows.

   I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.

   There will be no Groundhog Day. I have Punxsutawney Phil in my sights, and I am slowly squeezing the trigger...

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!

   I'm goin to a pretty place now where the flowers grow. I'll be back in an hour or so....

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

   playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.~

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me

   I flirt with you it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   During sex my girl always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

   The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

   Some Harvard guy said that acid would open our minds, pot wouldn't hurt us, and cocaine was benign.