Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we learn by our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education.

   If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.

   If I was a cop and I pulled over a drunk driver, I would make them do the Macarena as their sobriety test.

   If you still talk about it, you still care about it.

   Some have illusions of grandeur. I have hallucinations of happiness.

   I think we should celebrate Canada Day be giving Bieber back.

   wondering......how the HELL do they signal Batman during daytime....

   TSA = Touchy Squeezy Abusers

   Nothing ushers in the Spring planting season like the fresh smell cow crap emanating from the neighborhood....

   Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards.

   Been keeping this inside my head for too long. Ladies, sometimes those really thin eye brows, freak us guys out. Please attend to your eye brows responsibly

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.

   Only 12 more days till I get some tube socks, a slew of checkered polo shirts I'll never wear, and a box set of Aqua Velva I'll eventually use as paint thinner....Yay! :/

   The big movies right now in theaters are Robocop, Endless Love, and About Last Night. I feel like it's the end of the 80s all over again.

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal.

   There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.

   It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

   I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.

   A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.