Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I found something to eat in the refrigerator, I feel like I found a treasure.

   Someone needs to tell Dominique Strauss-Kahn that in this country bankers are only allowed to screw their customers.

   It's great having a JOB that leaves me Just Over Broke.

   Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.

   We are the WTF generation : Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   Bill Gates is telling everyone what to do about the virus but he can't even stop windows from getting a virus...

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.

   French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits

   Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

   Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...

   Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?

   Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.