Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life needs to give out Vodka now, enough lemons collected

   I was an Athlete in school. I Dreamt of running in the Olympics one day! Now, I dream of just getting my fat a$$ off the couch!!!

   XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!

   Here's a lesson that no matter how many times I learn it, I always forget: When a woman asks you for your opinion about something, she doesn't actually WANT your opinion; she just wants to hear her opinion said again with a deeper voice.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer…

   When asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock.

   Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?

   I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. I hope she finds someone nice.

   I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.

   Women are the original autocorrect.

   HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   If my cat could talk I have a feeling it would tell me "stop talking to me crazy woman and go get laid"

   All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.

   White Castle is down to their last pound of ground beef. That ought to be good for another million burgers.

   I hate it when someone gives me a really fake smile. Especially when I've gone to the trouble of making my fake smile seem so genuine.

   My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.

   Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.