Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

   There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

   Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.

   Why does the new FB layout say "12 more recent stories", then when you click it, it takes you way down the page to the old ones??

   I've just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40..........I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.....

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end on a call, we would have no friends.

   "I'm not like most girls." ~ Most girls

   National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...

   I just finished washing a load of paper plates if anyone's wondering about my bank account balance.

   Really? Wow! (The only two things I ever say to kids)

   I hate that heart attack moment when you miss a step on the stairs. It makes you cherrish life there for a moment.

   -Grandpa, how the World War III started?- Well kid, one day the FBI closed MegaUpload and MegaVideo, then...

   Imodium AD: When you need to get your sh!t together.

   Fast replies make me feel like you actually want to talk to me. But slow replies make me think you're talking to someone better.

   When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.

   Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.

   I am really getting tired of everytime I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.

   I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO