Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.

   If you're 40 and still wearing your high school grad ring......um...no.

   The best part about working from home is the alcohol.

   I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.

   Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.

   You know those bugs that fly into your windshield? Those were the married ones.

   I'm just a boy. In love with a girl. Standing here quietly. Behind your shower curtain. Watching.

   I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   Honey Boo Boo? Sounds like sumthin Winnie the Pooh would do when he's had too much honey

   You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   My favorite Disney princess is now Princess Leia.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   "So You Think You Can Tickle A Polar Bear" is a show that I would love to watch.

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..