Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Friday 13th - a load of awful make-up, on brain-dead 'zombies'. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   I don't have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

   Cop to a hooker: What would your mother do if she seen you out here doing this? Hooker: She'd kill me, this is her corner.

   My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone

   The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.

   says When you go to the drug store to buy condoms, ask them where the fitting room is

   Thanksgiving is the one day each year day families get together…and remind themselves why they only get together once a year.

   The political correctness has gone mad. I can't even refer to my child as "my disabled son". Apparently the correct term is "daughter"!?!?

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"

   What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge. lol

   A smile is a sign of joy. A hug is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me…Sh*t, that's just a sign of good taste!!

   SEX is not the answer!! Sex IS the question... 'Yes' is the answer! :)

   Definition of mixed emotions: seeing your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand new Porsche.

   I think this new diet may be a little too strick. I actually look forward to paying bills because I get to lick the envelopes.

   1f you c4n r34d th1s you r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

   Someone should sit Lindsay Lohan down and force her to watch that episode of Saved by the Bell where Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills.

   Iran claims they captured a US drone which our government is denying. I think what the Iranians really have is my Turbo 2000 styrofoam glider plane I lost back in '96.......I threw that thing pretty hard.

   Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.