Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend just broke up with his woman. I really helped him through the break up by letting him know she's no good in bed anyway.

   If you're fearful about the government spying on you while you're online, hang out on Myspace. Nobody is going to spy on you there.

   Girl, you had me at "what the phuck are you doing in my closet?!"

   The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.

   Got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

   #Remembers #A #Time #When #People #Used #To #Write #Without #Using #This #!

   I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

   I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

   You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.

   Your opinion of me is not as important as my opinion of me.

   Why does the dryer even need a "more dry" setting. Who wants their clothes only kinda dry?

   Guys, putting the word “Swag” in your Bio is a good way of telling girls you didn't finish school & your job is selling crack on the corner.

   Stupid people should be made to pay for Oxygen.

   People with kids, your p0sts are all the birth control I need.

   The NewYork Knicks announced they are going to cut off Beer sales after the 3rd Quarter of games starting next season! Not to worry though, that's just for point guard Jason Kidd!!!

   Fellas; If she doesn't call you every minute of the day, never let her go.

   Penn State announced the reason they took down the Joe Paterno statue was becuase of the jokes and fun the University was being subjected to! This coming from a school that has a stadium named ''Beaver''

   I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.

   I hate it when subway picks the crappiest sub for their "$5 sub of the month"

   I usually feel much better after I have evacuated all of the Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon