Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a homeless man with a blue tooth. It was his only tooth.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.

   New drinking game for election night coverage. You take a drink every time the say "Ohio" and "Too close to call"

   Papa John's out in Denver bout to make some money since weed is legal... Smart investment Peyton Manning

   The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.

   To me, drink responsibly means don't f?cking spill it

   I don't like using public restrooms,,,, Mostly because I've seen the public.

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby

   A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet.

   Never kiss anyone who's constantly saying things taste like shi t.

   If my wife says one more thing about how poorly I manage money... she's not allowed to jump in the inflatable castle I just bought on EBay.

   How can you tell if someone at work drives a hybrid? Don't worry, they'll tell you 5 times a day...

   If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silently texting about their crappy Saturday and never make friends with each other

   In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.

   My friend said to me, "you should start drinking Ensure" and I said, "if I'm going replace a meal with a beverage its going to be beer..."

   No one's gonna die if their boyfriend or girlfriend leaves them. Remember, it's a relationship, not a lung.

   I'd explain it to you again but I'm fresh out of crayons and puppets