Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.

   There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.

   Who else thought the ad for the new World of Warcraft game was a preview for a new kick ass Kung-Fu Panda movie?

   If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day

   I wonder if the people who live above me will let me come up and pet their elephants...

   Oh, let's play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too

   If you don't love me at my worst, good call. I wouldn't put up with me either.

   You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.

   Farted on the bus, 4 people turned around, felt like i'm on "The Voice"

   You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested, everything you say can and will be used against you. So use your right to remain silent...

   "Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.

   Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frikken Sandy.....