Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Singer Jacqueline Simpson Sues McDonald's because her voice is damaged from glass in a sandwich, music fans commented who is Jacqueline Simpson ?

   Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette

   It's Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.

   I'm really good at making poor decisions. You're my favorite so far

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   My safe word is: You're doing it wrong, you idiot

   Be with someone you hide nothing from.

   i pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat

   Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.

   Mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating!

   if at first you don't succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You'll be amazed of much less you care..

   Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.

   I wonder how many times in the past I was wrong before she entered my life and started keeping track?

   I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

   Did Miley Cyrus have a stroke or was she doing that with her tongue on purpose

   Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.

   People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.

   I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.