Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket

   Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger

   Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

   2016: Well 2017, it's almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my beer.

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. It was about the journey." -Buddhist GPS

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

   It's never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".

   The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".

   Scooby Doo taught me that the only real monsters are humans.

   In order to help her inner city supporters Hillary is urging President Obama to sign an executive order replacing the word "Looting" with the words "Undocumented Shopping."

   I'm known all over the world for my exaggerations.

   ... Ask Yourself ... If the "Clinton Foundation" is such a Philanthropic entity ... Why didn't a single person mention it during the Democrat Convention? .... NOT EVEN HILLARY HERSELF!!!

   Anyway, I didn't see a debate. I saw two grumpy old married people arguing at Wal Mart.

   Too old for snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

   Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check, since I have to pass one to earn it for you?

   If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus

   Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"

   The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell.

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   I am going on a date with a girl I met on Facebook. I warned her that she better look like her profile photo, or she buying me beer until she does!