Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   with my luck I would win the lotto then the world would end the day after

   Gonna be honest here since the world is ending: "Sailing" by Christopher Cross makes me emotional.

   My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year.

   so, Congress has known about this "fiscal cliff" situation for 2 years now and all of a sudden it's a crisis???

   Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”

   It's spooky how many kids look like their owners

   Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.

   How are the VMA's even possible when they dont play music??

   People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order two tacos to go.

   I thought I met the girl of my dreams at the bar last night...until she said "hello" and sounded like that guy from the Allstate commercials! :/

   sometimes when people are talking to me I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them right in the face

   Shaving your head when you're going bald is the ultimate "You can't fire me, I quit."

   I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

   Your about as useful as decaffienated coffee.

   I've had six red bulls so of course I'm counting all the leaves on the trees as I drive past them.

   There... crazy glued quarters to the ground in front of the vending machine at work...let the fun begin....

   These spaghetti-o's taste like I don't get paid until tomorrow.

   When you give up and stop believing in yourself, it's much easier to worship and idolize another. That's how ass kissing and celebrity worshipping begins.

   They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.