Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior.

   Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?

   Guys, if you are ever watching 'Indecent Proposal' and your wife or girlfriend asks: "Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?" Just lie!!

   Understanding women is easy, too: Just take calculus, multiply by quantum physics, then divide by E=mc². Also, hold them when they cry. Boom.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   the NFL aka No F***in Lights."

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   We all have that place we go to that is full of negatives and disappointment. Mine sadly is my checkbook.

   I hate how many French people play Call of Duty 4, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.

   needs a shirt that says "Relax! It's not Swine Flu, it's just my allergies.

   I'm picturing you naked right now. Airbrushed, Photoshopped and digitally enhanced, but totally naked...

   If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it

   Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

   if it is not on wikipedia, then you are wrong, lady

   Some people use the power of positive thinking..... others you can be positive that they're not thinking

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   just written "You have no new messages" on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.

   Bing is a great website, for internet searches. I know this, because I Googled it.

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...