Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.

   How come so many people Roll On The Floor *Laughing*? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   still waiting for the latest Toy Story movie to come out... Its called Adult Toy Story. It gives a totally new meaning to "Buzz" and "Woody".

   on Facebook for social networking; not for digital farms and aquariums. Quit asking me to adopt your fish or join your farm because really I don't care if your fish dies or if your entire farm burns. Thanks :)

   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it

   If you are wearing shorts or sweatpants that spell out "Bootylicious" across the hind side. Just an FYI - it's not.

   In just two days, tomor­row will be yes­ter­day!

   I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am.

   It's better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one

   Sometimes while I drink my coffee I stare out the window and ask myself "How many people am I going to cuss out today"

   just heard from a friend. Changeyour profile picture by December 12th to your favorite moon of the planet Jupiter to help fight childhood obesity amongst cats. Copy and paste to spread the word.

   Trust me...Even if I gave a sh*t I wouldnt give it to you!

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.....

   I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in the country. Can you come down the station and show them they've made a mistake?

   if I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I will definately be on the naughty list...

   I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run?

   Starbucks is coming out with a new larger size cup...the Trenta. Which is Latin for *I Have To Pee*.

   If you want something you never had, then you've got to do something you've never done.

   While getting dressed this morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was.