Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont see why facebook feels the need to notify me everyday that some of you have changed your profile picture. Unless your naked...I dont give a sh%t

   Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday.

   Ladies, don't go after ugly rich men. Make your own money so you can f*ck hot poor guys, like me

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.

   you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist

   The world is ending in 16 days and I still don't know what I'm going to wear

   I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

   Walmart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing...... Walmart is going to invade Target.

   Dear ex, I wouldn't delete you as a Facebook friend. I want you to see the happiness I found after you left.

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

   If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn't that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?

   I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.

   Only 9,000 more lies until Election Day.

   In addition to being able to click "Like", Facebook needs a "That's what she said." option

   if it wasn't obvious before, it should be now.....The 80s had the best cartoons.

   Traffic is moving pretty fast today, so I've decided to stop in the center lane open the hood and bring things back to normal. YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!

   People who hate hand gestures: I salute you.

   Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.

   showed my son the switch that makes the fridge light go off when the door closes. He looked at me like I'd just shot Santa in the nuts.