Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The economy is so bad, If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

   On a scale of one to Kanye, how badly do you want to interrupt me?

   You know it's a lazy morning when you start to contemplate how coffee would taste if you skipped the brewing process and just ate it straight out of the can like Fun Dip.

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   *<[:{D> ho ho ho

   Thinking about celebrating Christmas a week after Christmas for now on. Then I will be able to buy the same gifts at 60% off!

   Just when you got used to writting 2010....BAM!!! 2011 shows up!

   "New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.

   If my wife ends an argument with "Fine, do what you want!" I'm pretty sure the words "If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep" are implied.

   I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

   Yes officer, I did hit the pedestrian, but instead of dwelling on that why not focus on how many I've missed??

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   Hey Febreze, the broken carnival ship would be a real good test for your commercial

   Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

   I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck?

   I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837.

   Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"........................ Idiots.

   Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   Unhinged panic porn you can trust ~ CNN