Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.

   When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to.

   FYI: If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Thanks for "Checking In". Now I know the place to avoid.

   If you die in a manner that leaves your body unrecognizable they identify you by your dental records; if they don't know who you are, how in the world would they know who your dentist is?"

   When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"

   There is no angry way to say "bubbles"

   Facebook's been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone's having babies, eating food, or sad about work.

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur.

   Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

   My parents told me: “You've got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.

   I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!

   I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....

   Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable

   All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.

   Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough