Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I̶'̶m̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶p̶i̶d̶!̶ I'm not with stupid anymore

   I know God doesn't make mistakes but I question some of the places he put hair on the human body.

   Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.

   In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage. They make it into television shows.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   Some people repeat themselves when they're drunk & some people repeat themselves when they're drunk.

   You ever go to sleep late afternoon and wake up after dark....and you don't know what damn day it is?

   In hell, you have to find the start to scotch tape over and over

   That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.

   I've been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea what the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button is for

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.

   Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.

   “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear