Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Putting kids to bed is a little like playing WHACK-A-MOLE.

   partying isnt wasting money. its investing in good memories! :D

   I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.

   So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.

   Just watched my daughter's boyfriend take 90 seconds to get a straw in a Capris Sun. Safe to say I can put the shotgun away now.

   I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice.

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...

   Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?

   cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades

   Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....